Portable Alpha

Here's a little diddy I wrote for my banker friend yesterday for his birthday. You may notice some similarities to a much parodied SNL sketch, but I assure it's pure coincidence.

Matt, I got something important to give you,
So mute that conference call and listen.

I know you’ve been jammin' such a long long time.
All the while your VP has been doing lines
But it's your birthday and my wallet's open wide.
Gonna give you something to forget the banker life.

Not gonna take you to a closing dinner,
You already know that you're a winner.
Not gonna get you a lucite toy,
That sorta gift is for little boys.
Not gonna put it in a pitch book,
Hitters like you don’t go for cheap hooks.
Won’t spread it out in a comp sheet,
You know those multiples don’t mean shit.
I want to get you something big and black,
Something that will give you a cataract.
Alpha in a box! My alpha in a box, Matt!

To all the traders out there with investors to impress
It's easy to do just follow these steps
1: Put some quants in a box
2: Put cash in that box
3: Never open the box
And that's the way you do it
Alpha in a box! My alpha in a box, bro!

Tenjune; alpha in a box
NYMEX Floor; alpha in a box
85 Broad; alpha in a box
Backstage at the SEC hearing - alpha in a box!