The "Real" PR from the Dirty Bear

BEAR STEARNS NAMES ALAN D. SCHWARTZ CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER, SUCCEEDING JAMES “JOINT” CAYNE, WHO REMAINS CHAIRMAN

New York, New York — January 8, 2008 — The Bear Stearns Companies Inc. (NYSE:BSC) announced today that James E. Cayne has informed the board of directors of his desire to step down as chief executive officer, effective immediately after he finishes this phat blunt. While Mr. Cayne will retire from the firm, he will stay on as chairman of the bong and will be succeeded as chief executive officer by Bear Stearns president Alan D. Schwartz.

"Jimmy has much to be proud of -- under his leadership Bear Stearns has grown substantially over the past 15 years, with revenues increasing to $7 billion from $2 billion. We can’t say for sure that any of this actually happened because of Jimmy’s leadership, but he was in his office for at least half of those 15 years, so maybe it did." said Vincent Tese, Bear Stearns lead independent director. "This was mainly his decision, and we are very pleased that he has agreed to stay actively involved in the business as chairman of the bong. We can never find the good shit ourselves."

Mr. Cayne, commented, "I am elated and, frankly, surprised that the board has continued confidence in me" he said. "Leading Bear Stearns and its wonderfully talented people has been one of the great joys in my life for nearly 15 years. I’ve never had the chance to play bridge and smoke with such talented people, or play so much golf – not that it helped my handicap." Cayne added that he would remain in the same office, come to work as many days as he used to as CEO and work the same number of hours as before. [not making that one up from - see Bloomberg]

"I am dubiously honored to have the opportunity to lead one of Wall Street's great franchises," said Alan D. Schwartz, president of Bear Stearns. "Bear Stearns has a bright future now that the smoke has cleared. Our franchise is crack-rock solid thanks to Jimmy's leadership, so I have much work to do. We had a strong capital position before our market cap halved last year, a unique culture that rewards absenteeism and casual drug use, and great talent throughout the organization – especially the 4^th floor men’s room."

Alan D. Schwartz joined Bear Stearns in 1976. He became executive vice president and head of the Investment Banking Division in 1985. Mr. Schwartz was named president and co-chief operating officer in June 2001 and sole president in August of 2007 after Mr. Cayne fired Warren Spector since he was the only senior executive actually at the office during the firm’s meltdown. "Jimmy Cayne is a Wall Street legend, he’s practically the Cheech and Chong of the Street. I've learned a lot from him in the 30 years we have been friends and partners here at Bear Stearns – especially while in the 4^th floor men’s room, and I am pleased we will be able to continue our relationship." Mr. Schwartz said.