The "Real" PR from the Dirty Bear

BEAR STEARNS NAMES ALAN D. SCHWARTZ CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER, SUCCEEDING JAMES “JOINT” CAYNE, WHO REMAINS CHAIRMAN

New York, New York — January 8, 2008 — The Bear Stearns Companies Inc. (NYSE:BSC) announced today that James E. Cayne has informed the board of directors of his desire to step down as chief executive officer, effective immediately after he finishes this phat blunt. While Mr. Cayne will retire from the firm, he will stay on as chairman of the bong and will be succeeded as chief executive officer by Bear Stearns president Alan D. Schwartz.

"Jimmy has much to be proud of -- under his leadership Bear Stearns has grown substantially over the past 15 years, with revenues increasing to $7 billion from $2 billion. We can’t say for sure that any of this actually happened because of Jimmy’s leadership, but he was in his office for at least half of those 15 years, so maybe it did." said Vincent Tese, Bear Stearns lead independent director. "This was mainly his decision, and we are very pleased that he has agreed to stay actively involved in the business as chairman of the bong. We can never find the good shit ourselves."

Mr. Cayne, commented, "I am elated and, frankly, surprised that the board has continued confidence in me" he said. "Leading Bear Stearns and its wonderfully talented people has been one of the great joys in my life for nearly 15 years. I’ve never had the chance to play bridge and smoke with such talented people, or play so much golf – not that it helped my handicap." Cayne added that he would remain in the same office, come to work as many days as he used to as CEO and work the same number of hours as before. [not making that one up from - see Bloomberg]

"I am dubiously honored to have the opportunity to lead one of Wall Street's great franchises," said Alan D. Schwartz, president of Bear Stearns. "Bear Stearns has a bright future now that the smoke has cleared. Our franchise is crack-rock solid thanks to Jimmy's leadership, so I have much work to do. We had a strong capital position before our market cap halved last year, a unique culture that rewards absenteeism and casual drug use, and great talent throughout the organization – especially the 4^th floor men’s room."

Alan D. Schwartz joined Bear Stearns in 1976. He became executive vice president and head of the Investment Banking Division in 1985. Mr. Schwartz was named president and co-chief operating officer in June 2001 and sole president in August of 2007 after Mr. Cayne fired Warren Spector since he was the only senior executive actually at the office during the firm’s meltdown. "Jimmy Cayne is a Wall Street legend, he’s practically the Cheech and Chong of the Street. I've learned a lot from him in the 30 years we have been friends and partners here at Bear Stearns – especially while in the 4^th floor men’s room, and I am pleased we will be able to continue our relationship." Mr. Schwartz said.

Goldman Embarrasses Fashionistas with Smarts and Street Style

Goldman Sachs won a fancy fashionista quiz bowl after several analysts pulled consecutive weekend all nighters prepping the GS team on every manner of trivia. An Analyst who worked on the project speaking on condition of anonymity, as it's close to bonus, remarks [with a sigh] "At least this time my work was used for something. Usually the weekend pitchbooks are just coasters for the MD's Monday coffee. Naturally, they promised us that we would get to come, but inevitably "found out" that the team was at capacity right before they left for the event, but not before they made me do another turn - even internal books need to show Goldman's commitment to quality lest some bum find them in the dumpster and think less of us."

After extensive "wardrobe consultation" spanning a month the team decided to kick it old school with blue and white shirts (after all, Goldman Sachs isn't about being "wild and crazy and different"). The subtle deviations from regular banker attire is that the blue shirt was tight enough to bust at the seams, teasing the paparazzi with the possibility of a strategic wardrobe malfunction (but an undershirt was worn to prevent the world from actually seeing the hairy underbelly of banking), while the white shirt had two buttons undone and was slightly untucked, showing a Devil-may-care "we don't care that our Global Alpha underperformed every major fund on the street" attitude.
The real winners, however, are the first years at Deutsche Bank whose team won a "vast" supply of sexy lingerie. It's the closest any of them have gotten to a woman since the drunken debauchery that is investment banking training.

clipped from nymag.com Great triumph mixed with crushing defeat the other night as highly competitive people with lots of disposable income gathered at the Gramercy Park Hotel Private Roof Club for a fancy quiz night socialites, models, fashion designers, and, of course, investment bankers, who felt a little out of place. "We're investment-bank nerds, so we spent pretty much a month planning our outfits," said a member of the Goldman Sachs team. "We had wardrobe consultations on conference calls." Corporations from Valentino to Bloomberg sponsored teams, which then went from room to room, debating the questions in each. Goldman, surprising no one in the room, took home the grand prize. Other teams won various smaller prizes; Deutsche Bank, for example, won a vast supply of Agent Provocateur lingerie. Are you good enough to win a trip to a model's villa — or at least some fancy underwear? Here are the questions. (And the answers.)

Products for Successful Banking

I have lots of post ideas lined up, but I took some time off last week and am too busy this week to write anything down.
Meanwhile check out this site chock-full of wonderful products (aside from actual cocaine) to keep all you bankers pulling all nighters: http://www.wakeyz.com/

Portable Alpha

Here's a little diddy I wrote for my banker friend yesterday for his birthday. You may notice some similarities to a much parodied SNL sketch, but I assure it's pure coincidence.

Matt, I got something important to give you,
So mute that conference call and listen.

I know you’ve been jammin' such a long long time.
All the while your VP has been doing lines
But it's your birthday and my wallet's open wide.
Gonna give you something to forget the banker life.

Not gonna take you to a closing dinner,
You already know that you're a winner.
Not gonna get you a lucite toy,
That sorta gift is for little boys.
Not gonna put it in a pitch book,
Hitters like you don’t go for cheap hooks.
Won’t spread it out in a comp sheet,
You know those multiples don’t mean shit.
I want to get you something big and black,
Something that will give you a cataract.
Alpha in a box! My alpha in a box, Matt!

To all the traders out there with investors to impress
It's easy to do just follow these steps
1: Put some quants in a box
2: Put cash in that box
3: Never open the box
And that's the way you do it
Alpha in a box! My alpha in a box, bro!

Tenjune; alpha in a box
NYMEX Floor; alpha in a box
85 Broad; alpha in a box
Backstage at the SEC hearing - alpha in a box!

NYC Fashionweek: Menswear

My take on Menswear from NYC Fashion Week

ICH DONT FINK SO:

Alexander McQueen and Prada are taking a hint from Mugato with their "Derelict" collections for Fall 2007.
Wow Alexander McQueen failed. Eww! Garbage bag vynil suits?
J.Lindeberg (who supplies nearly half my slacks and quite a few shirts) has nothing special at best and some ugly fits at worst for fall.
Dior Homme is great if you’re super skinny and want to pretend you’re a starving artist when in reality you’ve either got a trust fund or a very rich “muse”.
Cavalli is even more scaled down this year, but aside from a few extremely well made jackets the collection is overly feminine (but what would you expect?)
Memo to Yohji Yamomoto, I won’t be turning Japanese anytime soon.


WASSUP:

Dsquared and Bottega Veneta are what high fashion is all about - creativity and edge that you can actually wear with pride.

Thank you Dsquared2 are showcasing an industrial theme with an S&M nippletwist and yeah – it’s hot (aside from puffy jackets – you guys already went there, it’s over!). Always loved their great fit, and their less flamboyant, more edgy designs.
Diesel has really improved themselves in the last two collections, and they are continuing to do so. Love the consistent knife theme, Patrick Bateman never looked that good.

Banker Break: Engrish.com

We bankers are often in a desolate mood, so I have found several good pick-me-ups to lighten the mood. I will start introducing these whenever I feel like I should post something, but can't think of any actual content.

So before you go trying to fashion a noose out of spiral binding how about laughing at the Japanese over at www.engrish.com?